Mister Mayor Says:
A weekly advice column written by Mayor Michael Stag, published every Sunday in The Forest Trumpet and online at forestlegislature.blogspot.com.
Dear Mister Mayor,
D'you have any good hangover cures?
From Sweeny.
This is a timely question, Sweeny. Since of course we have just finished celebrating the Solstice, some of you may still be nursing the consequences of the festivities. Or there is the New Year' celebrations to think of, and the next few days of recuperation that could be reduced with the right restorative.
It's said that Milk thistle and Ginger root are helpful, as are apples eaten on an empty stomach the morning after. But for me, the best remedy is avoidance. Instead of alcoholic beverages, have some cranberry juice instead, or try this recipe for Creamy Country Punch!
1 quart vanilla ice cream, slightly softened
1 quart lime sherbet, slightly softened
1 quart milk
6 ounces can frozen lemonade concentrate
6 ounces can frozen limade
2 cups water
4 cups ginger ale
In large punch bowl, stir together ice cream, sherbet, and milk. In pitcher, stir together lemonade concentrate, limeade concentrate and water. Pour over ice cream mixture. Add ginger ale; stir until slightly mixed. Serves 32.
Try this and be safe and careful this holiday season!
(To contact Mayor Stag, or anyone at Forest Legislature 138, Queen’s County, please email m.stag@hotmail.com)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
PATRIARCHY!
Okay. So you grow up in a nice quiet part of the forest and you think, "Hey. This is a pretty good stable place to live, why move?" So you look for a job and inconceivably land an appointed position in the most disorganised, neurotic and hectic local legislature known to beast-kind. Oh and you can only work nights. Which means of course that you come in to mop up everyone else's messes. Perfect. Wonderful. Tell yourself it's not insane and stressful, tell yourself it's challenging and rewarding, in the long run. Yeah Right.
This Is Nancy Bat's Rant!
Being one of the few female animals working at the legislature, I sometimes encounter interesting predicaments. Such as the fact that no one here seems to understand that I sometimes need to take "mental health" days. And by "mental health" I mean of course, I need a mani/pedi before I go postal on their asses.
Yesterday I called in to say I wouldn't be able to make it in until 7:00, I was planning on getting a nice facial and maybe a short massage before and do you know what that day receptionist said to me?
"I'm sorry, Mayor Stag says you've been coming in late too often, I think you'd better just skip that day spa trip."
Now here I was thinking that no one had known about my little jaunts to Ivy Grove Spas. It turns out, the entire office does. And they make jokes about it. Jokes like, "Did you know bats aren't blind but in fact have very good eyesight?" "Yeah I did, or we'd have an administrative assistant who was actually here!" Okay so it's not a good joke but it's still a joke at my expense. Which makes me want to go into work even less.
But of course, I cancel my appointment and go into the office at 5. And as I flap in, everyone who is usually rushing around getting things done turns to look at me, Just for a split second, just so I know that they disapprove. Or maybe I'm just a little paranoid.
Anyway, there's my lesson for the day: If you absolutely need to knock off work for personal hygiene reasons, come with better excuses than, "I'm going to get into a traffic accident." especially if you don't drive.
This Is Nancy Bat's Rant!
Being one of the few female animals working at the legislature, I sometimes encounter interesting predicaments. Such as the fact that no one here seems to understand that I sometimes need to take "mental health" days. And by "mental health" I mean of course, I need a mani/pedi before I go postal on their asses.
Yesterday I called in to say I wouldn't be able to make it in until 7:00, I was planning on getting a nice facial and maybe a short massage before and do you know what that day receptionist said to me?
"I'm sorry, Mayor Stag says you've been coming in late too often, I think you'd better just skip that day spa trip."
Now here I was thinking that no one had known about my little jaunts to Ivy Grove Spas. It turns out, the entire office does. And they make jokes about it. Jokes like, "Did you know bats aren't blind but in fact have very good eyesight?" "Yeah I did, or we'd have an administrative assistant who was actually here!" Okay so it's not a good joke but it's still a joke at my expense. Which makes me want to go into work even less.
But of course, I cancel my appointment and go into the office at 5. And as I flap in, everyone who is usually rushing around getting things done turns to look at me, Just for a split second, just so I know that they disapprove. Or maybe I'm just a little paranoid.
Anyway, there's my lesson for the day: If you absolutely need to knock off work for personal hygiene reasons, come with better excuses than, "I'm going to get into a traffic accident." especially if you don't drive.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Lewis Talks About Music - Holiday Edition
Okay so, Renard sucks at writing blogs.
Which means it’s up to me to save this thing from suckage.
Now, Now, save your applause till the end.
I’m here to tell you what music you need this season. If your lady or your guy to gets you one of these excellent disks, they totally deserve some compensation. And you know what I mean by that.
(I mean they deserve chestnuts or maybe even hazelnuts, man.)
For Your Lady: If you want any action in the New Year, get your lady love this amazing disk by Dragonette. Galore is what all girls want. Full of ‘empowering lyrics’, sung by a tough broad with a pretty face, with some cute guys in the back playing the instruments; It’s a sure hit with the ladies. And you can’t go wrong givin’ somebody this with the crazy mash of styles and slick heavy rhythms. It actually sounds good, with a re-listen value of about 8. Plus it’s got a cute pink cover. When it comes to girls, no matter what they say, pink always helps.
For Your Guy: If you don’t got a lady and you got a hunk instead, try Led Zeppelin’s old-is-new collection Mothership. It’s a two C.D. set, so you might need to splurge, but it’ll be totally worth it. All the key tracks a Zep fan craves without the downers or needin’ to flip the album over in the middle. It’s paradise, and of course it being Led Zeppelin, it automatically gets a re-listen of 11. You may not get why this crazy tuneless screaming cost you 25 bucks, but your guy will love you that much more for it. Trust me.
For Your Younger Sibbies: Get ‘em hooked young on music that doesn’t suck by throwing either of Billy Talent’s albums at them. Literally throw it at them. Hopefully that’ll knock them out long enough so you can turn off that god-awful High School Musical slurry and substitute it with a nice mix C.D.
Speaking of mix C.D.s though, I’ll give you a list of stuff to rock your little furry (or hooved or webbed or cloven or whatever) feet and get those awful Holiday Carols outta your head. This list is Canadian Themed, because winter makes me patriotic (and gassy, but that’s a completely different story, for a different kind of blog)
1. Polar Bears and Trees - Rheostatics
2. The Canadian Dream – Sam Roberts
3. L’Amour Ne Dure Pas Toujours - Feist
4. All The Things I Wasn’t – Grapes of Wrath
5. Underwhelmed - Sloan
6. Nova Heart - Spoons
7. Locked In The Trunk Of A Car – Tragically Hip
8. Explode – Nelly Furtado
9. Devil’s Eyes – Buck 65
10. Into Your Hideout- Pilate
11. Dead Disco – Metric
12. Celebration Guns – Stars
13. The War of 1812 – Arrogant Worms
Bonus Track: Dandelion – Boards of Canada (They’re actually Scottish)
Which means it’s up to me to save this thing from suckage.
Now, Now, save your applause till the end.
I’m here to tell you what music you need this season. If your lady or your guy to gets you one of these excellent disks, they totally deserve some compensation. And you know what I mean by that.
(I mean they deserve chestnuts or maybe even hazelnuts, man.)
For Your Lady: If you want any action in the New Year, get your lady love this amazing disk by Dragonette. Galore is what all girls want. Full of ‘empowering lyrics’, sung by a tough broad with a pretty face, with some cute guys in the back playing the instruments; It’s a sure hit with the ladies. And you can’t go wrong givin’ somebody this with the crazy mash of styles and slick heavy rhythms. It actually sounds good, with a re-listen value of about 8. Plus it’s got a cute pink cover. When it comes to girls, no matter what they say, pink always helps.
For Your Guy: If you don’t got a lady and you got a hunk instead, try Led Zeppelin’s old-is-new collection Mothership. It’s a two C.D. set, so you might need to splurge, but it’ll be totally worth it. All the key tracks a Zep fan craves without the downers or needin’ to flip the album over in the middle. It’s paradise, and of course it being Led Zeppelin, it automatically gets a re-listen of 11. You may not get why this crazy tuneless screaming cost you 25 bucks, but your guy will love you that much more for it. Trust me.
For Your Younger Sibbies: Get ‘em hooked young on music that doesn’t suck by throwing either of Billy Talent’s albums at them. Literally throw it at them. Hopefully that’ll knock them out long enough so you can turn off that god-awful High School Musical slurry and substitute it with a nice mix C.D.
Speaking of mix C.D.s though, I’ll give you a list of stuff to rock your little furry (or hooved or webbed or cloven or whatever) feet and get those awful Holiday Carols outta your head. This list is Canadian Themed, because winter makes me patriotic (and gassy, but that’s a completely different story, for a different kind of blog)
1. Polar Bears and Trees - Rheostatics
2. The Canadian Dream – Sam Roberts
3. L’Amour Ne Dure Pas Toujours - Feist
4. All The Things I Wasn’t – Grapes of Wrath
5. Underwhelmed - Sloan
6. Nova Heart - Spoons
7. Locked In The Trunk Of A Car – Tragically Hip
8. Explode – Nelly Furtado
9. Devil’s Eyes – Buck 65
10. Into Your Hideout- Pilate
11. Dead Disco – Metric
12. Celebration Guns – Stars
13. The War of 1812 – Arrogant Worms
Bonus Track: Dandelion – Boards of Canada (They’re actually Scottish)
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Festive Lichen
Mister Mayor Says:
A weekly advice column written by Mayor Michael Stag, published every Sunday in The Forest Trumpet and online at forestlegislature.blogspot.com.
This winter season, for those of you who don’t hibernate or migrate, don’t forget to stay warm and dry. Try this delicious recipe for festive baked lichen!
(Please be careful, if lichen is not in your regular diet, consult a physician before attempting to digest it.)
1/2 cup butter
8 ounces cream cheese
2 mounds lichen, frozen
1 package of onion soup mix
Crushed Pine Cones
Melt butter in a large frying pan. Add 2 mounds of lichen. Break up and stir. Add cream cheese and onion soup mix. Stir well. Place in a casserole. Top with pine cones and bake at 300F for 45 minutes.
Enjoy!
(To contact Mayor Stag, or anyone at Forest Legislature 138, Queen’s County, please email m.stag@hotmail.com)
A weekly advice column written by Mayor Michael Stag, published every Sunday in The Forest Trumpet and online at forestlegislature.blogspot.com.
This winter season, for those of you who don’t hibernate or migrate, don’t forget to stay warm and dry. Try this delicious recipe for festive baked lichen!
(Please be careful, if lichen is not in your regular diet, consult a physician before attempting to digest it.)
1/2 cup butter
8 ounces cream cheese
2 mounds lichen, frozen
1 package of onion soup mix
Crushed Pine Cones
Melt butter in a large frying pan. Add 2 mounds of lichen. Break up and stir. Add cream cheese and onion soup mix. Stir well. Place in a casserole. Top with pine cones and bake at 300F for 45 minutes.
Enjoy!
(To contact Mayor Stag, or anyone at Forest Legislature 138, Queen’s County, please email m.stag@hotmail.com)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
PIGEONS!
Okay. So you grow up in a nice quiet part of the forest and you think, "Hey. This is a pretty good stable place to live, why move?" So you look for a job and inconceivably land an appointed position in the most disorganised, neurotic and hectic local legislature known to beast-kind. Oh and you can only work nights. Which means of course that you come in to mop up everyone else's messes. Perfect. Wonderful. Tell yourself it's not insane and stressful, tell yourself it's challenging and rewarding, in the long run.
This Is Nancy Bat's Rant!
(Now officially every Wednesday)
So, I came into the office at sundown yesterday, as usual. And as usual, all hell has broken loose.It started out very quietly. Three Italian Pigeons are standing before Renard's desk, being very ominous. How did I know they were Italian, you ask? Well, for one they were all wearing gold chains with catholic medallions of saints around their necks. That and the fact that as I flapped in, they were arguing in Italian. A major tip-off. So I ask them if I can help them and they ask to see the mayor. I say he's out ruminating and they say, "That's what the fox said, but we didn't believe him."
And so now, terrified that they'd been hired to knock off that stupid fox for whatever mess he'd gotten himself into now, because guano, these Pigeons were BIG, I ask, "Where is he now?"
"Ain't here."
Um yeah duh, I thought, but obviously didn't say, or I'd be writing this from Oakridge Memorial. Anyway, I found Lewis in the lunchroom and asked him about the Pigeons. Through a mouthful of pistachios, he told me Renard had gone to find the mayor for the Pigeons. When I asked him why the Pigeons wanted to see the mayor, he told me that they'd been sent by their Boss, Giorgio Piccioni. And when he meant boss, he didn't mean the guy who gave them their holiday bonuses. He meant the guy who ordered them to cut off dewclaws for gambling debts.
So I go in there and very politely ask the Pigeons to come back later, and they tell me very politely that they 'ain't leavin' till they have a l'il chat with Antlers". And I tell them that His Worship the Mayor isn't here and they'll have to talk to me. And then I smile at them.
I guess I forgot that I'd been eating some pomegranate seeds before I left for work and a lot of them had been stuck in my teeth. When I smiled nervously at them, some of the seeds burst, and red juice came squirting at them. Which is pretty gross. And I guess they figured I was a vampire bat or something because they left pretty quickly. And haven't come back.
(Renard's note: I later found out that the Pigeons were not from I Piccioni, but from a construction company interested in building a birdhousing complex here in the forest. Oh well, looks like that won't be happening any time soon.)
This Is Nancy Bat's Rant!
(Now officially every Wednesday)
So, I came into the office at sundown yesterday, as usual. And as usual, all hell has broken loose.It started out very quietly. Three Italian Pigeons are standing before Renard's desk, being very ominous. How did I know they were Italian, you ask? Well, for one they were all wearing gold chains with catholic medallions of saints around their necks. That and the fact that as I flapped in, they were arguing in Italian. A major tip-off. So I ask them if I can help them and they ask to see the mayor. I say he's out ruminating and they say, "That's what the fox said, but we didn't believe him."
And so now, terrified that they'd been hired to knock off that stupid fox for whatever mess he'd gotten himself into now, because guano, these Pigeons were BIG, I ask, "Where is he now?"
"Ain't here."
Um yeah duh, I thought, but obviously didn't say, or I'd be writing this from Oakridge Memorial. Anyway, I found Lewis in the lunchroom and asked him about the Pigeons. Through a mouthful of pistachios, he told me Renard had gone to find the mayor for the Pigeons. When I asked him why the Pigeons wanted to see the mayor, he told me that they'd been sent by their Boss, Giorgio Piccioni. And when he meant boss, he didn't mean the guy who gave them their holiday bonuses. He meant the guy who ordered them to cut off dewclaws for gambling debts.
So I go in there and very politely ask the Pigeons to come back later, and they tell me very politely that they 'ain't leavin' till they have a l'il chat with Antlers". And I tell them that His Worship the Mayor isn't here and they'll have to talk to me. And then I smile at them.
I guess I forgot that I'd been eating some pomegranate seeds before I left for work and a lot of them had been stuck in my teeth. When I smiled nervously at them, some of the seeds burst, and red juice came squirting at them. Which is pretty gross. And I guess they figured I was a vampire bat or something because they left pretty quickly. And haven't come back.
(Renard's note: I later found out that the Pigeons were not from I Piccioni, but from a construction company interested in building a birdhousing complex here in the forest. Oh well, looks like that won't be happening any time soon.)
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